Riding the BDSM Train Doesn't Mean You Can Shirk Your Research

I read an excerpt yesterday from a book by a popular author. I've read other books by this author in the series this excerpted book belongs to, and BDSM figures prominently. But when I got to the line in the excerpt where the Dom makes reference to choosing a sub as being HIS choice, I stopped reading.

For the record, I don't engage in the lifestyle. I'm neither Dom nor sub. However, I have characters who are: Micah and Trace. Conesquently, I have done an enormous amount of research on BDSM, D/s relationships, scene parties, etc. The only thing I haven't been able to do yet as part of my research is actually to go to a scene party. With that said, even I know that it's not the Dom who chooses his or her sub. It's the sub who chooses his or her Dom. In the D/s relationships, the submissive possesses all the control.

Furthermore, simply because a man is a Dom in the scene does not mean he dominates in every other aspect of life and business, as well. In fact, a lot of the time, they don't. Doms might be successful, but not intently cruel and overbearing. From what I've been able to deduce, the D/s world is a bit of an opposite world, where the most controlling people in "regular" day-to-day affairs are more likely to become submissives, while the quieter, less domineering people in day-to-day affairs don the Dom hat (or the leather pants, as it were). That's not always the case, but my point is that Doms aren't necessarily dominating people, and submissives aren't necessarily timid and weak. And yet, in book after book after book where BDSM is the main shtick, that's pretty much what we see. And I think it's because the authors are too interested in getting on the BDSM train than to actually dig for the facts about the lifestyle, so they grab on to the cliches about the lifestyle and write an ignorant portrayal of it, glorifying it, as it were.

D/s relationships are about trust. The submissive puts their trust in their Dom, and their Dom does not abuse that trust. If the submissive uses their safe word (and any Dom who doesn't give their sub a safe word in a book is a Dom who doesn't know what he's doing), the Dom must stop immediately. It's not about a Dom controlling a sub, it's about a sub allowing a Dom to control him. There's a difference.

BDSM is almost therapeutic for some people. It allows people to explore another side of themselves—maybe one that's repressed—or to experience emotional and physical freedom in a safe environment. There are rules that must be followed, and from what I've discovered, it's almost as if there's an unspoken code of conduct participants must abide by if they want to be accepted in the scene.

Furthermore, a submissive must talk to his Dom, tell him what scares him, what he won't accept, and what he likes. Not just sexually, but in general. A Dom and a sub need to know one another very well, and a Dom won't push a new sub too far until he gets to know him better. In this way, a Dom can understand what makes the sub tick, and can use his fears to push the envelope ever-so-slightly in the scene for a more fulfilling experience for the sub. And yet, in book after book, we see Doms and subs engaging in instant, hardcore scenes before they even know each other. This just isn't plausible.

With that said, I've been told that if I want to read really good BDSM that's based on reality, I need to read Cherise Sinclair. So...that's what I'm doing. I just started reading Club Shadowlands, book one in her Masters of the Shadowlands Series. And the bonus is that right now, it's free on Amazon. I also hear that the Beauty Series by Anne Rice (written under a different name) is a more accurate representation of BDSM.

With regard to other authors' portrayals of BDSM, I know this is fiction and certain liberties are taken to "Hollywoodize" books to be more entertaining. I get that. And the books are entertaining in some cases (in others, they are too contrived to be entertaining—at least for me), even if they depict the BDSM lifestyle inaccurately. But at the same time, I can see true Doms and subs sitting back and getting a good laugh at some of these books. The entertainer in me says, "Give the readers what they seem to want," but the purist in me says, "Make sure your portrayal is accurate." I think the best course lies somewhere in the middle, and a good author should be able to do both.

Happy Reading!